Some articles I get so into, I talk about them (or rather, what I learned) for months after. The Singularity articles were like that, and so were the two conspiracy theories articles. The one below was for the June 2005 issue of Penthouse. I did a similar one for UMM (Urban Male Magazine).
Secret Masters of the World and Other Great Conspiracies That Explain Everything
Dumped by your girlfriend? Lose your job? It’s probably not your fault.
I used to think I controlled the course of my life. I know better now. It’s the Illuminati, stupid. You haven’t heard of the Illuminati? The secret masters of the world, controlling global events through recorded history using the Freemasons, the Jews, and the Trilateral Commission as pawns? Ring a bell?
Between the ever-expanding Da Vinci Code franchise and blockbuster film National Treasure, conspiracy theories are bubbling up into the national consciousness like never before. Does it spring from a human search for meaning behind chaotic world events? Or, in a secular society, has the culture of conspiracy begun to form a modern mythology? Before you read this article and pull back the veil of lies to see reality as it truly is, please put on your aluminum foil helmet. Because if they read your mind, if they know you know, you could be in danger. Now hold my hand, and into the rabbit hole we go.
JFK: The Cadillac of Conspiracies
On November 22, 1963 President John F. Kennedy was shot and killed as his motorcade drove through Dallas, Texas. When police arrested Lee Harvey Oswald later that day, the archetypal conspiracy theory was born out of human disbelief that one loser could so easily change world history. Fueling conjecture were the many suspiciously snuffed leads in the investigation. Like Oswald himself, who was assassinated two days later while in police custody. That was odd. Soon phrases like ‘lone gunman’ and ‘grassy knoll’ became part of the American consciousness. Conspiracy theorists began arguing over the meaning of each frame in the famous Zapruder film, and discussing hypothetical identification and motives for every single crowd member seen in all known photos. Crazy? If there were a conspiracy, wouldn’t that be important enough to warrant this kind of scrutiny?
Now, the first question for conspiracy theorists is always, Who gains from this? VP Lyndon Johnson became President. But what if Johnson had gotten together with Fidel Castro? He hated Kennedy. So did FBI chief J. Edgar Hoover. And they all slept with Marilyn Monroe, so she’d have to be in on it. Wait, she was dead. Another dead lead! It’s enough to drive a brother to drink. On the other hand, Oswald was a communist loon with rifle training who had already tried to kill one Texas politician (according to his wife). Which makes him seem a likely solo assassin. Or the perfect patsy.
What happens in Jonestown, stays in Jonestown
The first public indications something strange was going on in Jonestown may have been the hundreds of bodies and half-empty jugs of bug juice. When Jim Jones moved his entire People’s Temple church down to the jungles of Guyana, he promised his thousand-odd followers a paradise in “Jonestown”. Instead, they found something akin to a slave-labor camp run by acid-heads, with Barry White music on the camp loudspeakers. And that’s not good.
In November 1978, Congressman Leo Ryan flew down with a posse of journalists and concerned relatives. The group left Jonestown the following day with fifteen cult defectors, “telling tales of drunkenness and cruelty” as The Kinks once sang. At the airport, the group (Ryan’s people, not The Kinks) was attacked by a zombie-like Jonestown death squad. Ryan was killed, along with several members of the media and defectors. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Reverend Jones gathered the faithful for a final round of Kumbaya before meeting again ‘in another place’. The cyanide-spiked punch was passed.
Initial reports were of four hundred bodies found by Guyanese police. When that increased to nine hundred seventeen, including over two hundred children, some wondered if survivors had actually been hunted down and killed by Guyanese or American agents to silence them. There were indications of CIA involvement, with rumors of mind control experiments, or that the group was slaughtered to prevent their planned defection to the Soviet Union. Most of the dead were black, while Jones and his lieutenants, many of whom escaped, were white. What was up with that? Then, there was the rash of Temple-connected murders and suicides back stateside. Was there more to Jonestown than a religious cult over the edge?
The U.S. government decided not to conduct autopsies on the dead, as the cause of death was “apparent”- mass suicide. The Guyanese coroner, though, claimed that at least seven hundred of the deaths were not suicides but murders by hypodermic injection.
You Can’t Beat Buckingham Palace
Sixteen years after her royal wedding, after the affairs, the tampon comment, and the bitter public divorce, Princess Diana and her boyfriend Dodi Al Fayed, along with their driver, were killed in a car accident in Paris. Accident? The police first announced that chasing paparazzi were the cause of death, then claimed that the driver had been drunk. Both ideas were contradicted by witnesses. Autopsy reports indicated inexplicably high levels of carbon monoxide in the driver’s blood, but the man’s samples soon disappeared. The driver, found with wads of cash, was known as a spy-for-hire, an angle French police never pursued. Within an hour of the accident, the scene had been ‘scrubbed’ by French street-cleaning crews, and all film held by the arrested photographers was confiscated.
A mystery car at the scene was later traced to one James Andanson, who was:
a) A top paparazzi photographer linked with the deadly Solar Temple cult (over seventy mysteriously ‘lapsed’ members so far in Quebec, Switzerland, and France).
b) Considered a possible spy
c) Found burned to death in his parked car in the French countryside. Also, days after his death, had his photo office raided by masked gunmen.
d) All of the above.
If you answered (d), you are not only correct, but may have the paranoia to make it as a full-time conspiracy theorist. It has recently been revealed that a year beforehand, Diana wrote her butler claiming that Prince Charles had plans to kill her in a road accident. It’s not paranoid if they do kill you.
The Da Vinci Code
Warning: May spoil the book. On second thought, skip the book and read this:
The blockbuster novel The Da Vinci Code follows the fictitious uncovering of a secret that would topple the Catholic church. The secret has been guarded through history by a shadowy organization led at one time by Leonardo da Vinci, who encoded the secret in his works, like the Last Supper and the Mona Lisa. The secret? That the Church, trying to establish that Jesus was God, hid information about his marriage and children with Mary Magdalene, and the family’s flight to France after the crucifixion. According to Leo, The Holy Grail is not the chalice which held Christ’s blood. The Holy Grail is actually the bloodline of Jesus’ descendants.
There is evidence that Leonardo was Grand Master of an ultra-secret society known as the Priory of Sion (Isaac Newton too). There is plenty of symbolism (some anti-Church) in da Vinci’s paintings, but much of the specific claims in the novel are guesses. The Gnostic Gospels do hint that Jesus was married, possibly to Mary M. These are the stories which didn’t make the ‘cut’ of the official New Testament. The final gospels weren’t chosen, and edited, until the 4th Century, 300 years after Christ, after the Roman Emperor Constantine the Great merged symbols of sun worship with Christianity to form the Roman Catholic Church. Hard evidence of the supposed First Family is hard to come by- putting it on an equal historical footing with much of the ‘authentic’ gospel stories from that other bestseller.
Area 51, Alien Abduction and MIBs:
If thousands of Americans are kidnapped by aliens each year (and according to abductee-rights organizations, they are), it stands to reason the government must know about it and be covering it up. According to UFO-logists, the U.S. government has for decades used its highly-secure Area 51 in Nevada as an alien meeting ground and experimentation lab for new alien technology. The aliens often dispatch Men in Black (black suits, sunglasses, and large Cadillacs) to intimidate witnesses into silence.
Alien abductions are apparently becoming more common, and that is not a pleasant thought for those with kids to worry about. Which is why one concerned alien watcher invented a type of tin-foil helmet to protect innocents from alien mind control – order it at www.stopabductions.com. As for Area 51, according to the government, it doesn’t exist. Or it didn’t, until the air force was sued by former employees over possible exposure to toxic waste in the ‘90’s. Then the base was acknowledged publicly… when President Clinton issued an executive order granting complete secrecy to the officially unnamed hang-out.
Freemasons: First you get the grout, then you get the power
The Freemasons are a real semi-secretive international organization dedicated to good works and the brotherhood of man under the all-seeing eye of God. They are also a staple of many conspiracy theories. The hierarchical organization grew out of the old European craftsmen’s guilds in the 1600’s. Now, there are more than 600,000 Freemasons in England and Wales alone- an enormous potential power-structure. Conspiracy theorists maintain that Freemasons control world governments through a shadowy web of allegiances and power-brokers, and the democracy which we participate in is just stage play. Many of the founding fathers of the U.S. were Masons, like George Washington and Benjamin Franklin. This is why the American dollars have Masonic symbols on them (like the pyramid and eye). The Masons also have, in their Supreme Council headquarters in London, a “Chamber of Death”, just like your college pad.
Bad things have been done by Freemasons. The Jack the Ripper murders were conducted according to Masonic rituals. Spectacular Freemason scandals shook the Italian government and English justice system in the ‘70’s and ‘80’s. But bad things were done by non-Freemasons in those decades too. Freemasons definitely weren’t behind disco.
Protocols Of Zion: If the Jew fits…
The second question conspiracy theorists often ask is: How could the Jews have been behind this? A document known as The Protocols of the Meetings of the Learned Elders of Zion answers that. The Protocols have been central to many of the best conspiracy theories for decades. It now serves as one of the anti-Semitic cornerstone of the American white-power anti-government movement.
The document is purported to be the meeting notes from an 1897 conference of Jewish chieftains in Switzerland. In it, the Elders rant about their devilish plans to control the world through their secret international Jewish cabal. The ingenious super-villains somehow misplaced their meeting notes, and the document has given ‘proof’ to anti-Semitic movements ever since. The Jews are behind everything! It says so in their minutes!
The document has actually been proven to be a fake since 1921 (it’s a rip-off of a satire of Napoleon III). Still, racist carmaker Henry Ford distributed thousands of copies. It was a big hit in Nazi Germany too- Hitler personally vouched for it in his book.
Something is rotten in the state of New Mexico
On or around Independence Day, 1947, during a severe thunderstorm near Roswell, New Mexico, something crashed to earth. The changing government explanations for the strange debris found by a farmer provided conspiracy theorists with proof of a cover-up. First the air force announced they’d found a flying saucer, then a weather balloon, then finally, an ultra-top secret military balloon. Rumors circulated that the object was indeed an alien spacecraft, and that the ship’s parts (including dead aliens) were removed by the U.S government and studied under top-secrecy. Much of our modern technology (such as lasers and fiber optics) may have come from that spacecraft. But where was the proof?
In 1997, retired Colonel Philip Corso wrote a book about his involvement in the cover-up, including his secret work to spread the alien technology and an eyewitness account of alien corpses. The book blew the Roswell story wide open- Senator Strom Thurmond wrote the foreward- except that, once again, no corroborating evidence was given other than Corso’s word.
Bush and bin Laden: Separated at birth?
Within hours of the September 11 attacks, conspiracy theorists were spreading every explanation imaginable for the events. Many blamed the Israelis, accused of framing Islamic terrorists. This brought together the two great themes in conspiracy thought: Who stands to gain? and, How were the Jews involved? Then the eerie links between President Bush and Osama bin Laden began to emerge.
The destinies of George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden played out in parallel on opposite sides of the globe. But was their eventual clash like Montana’s 49ers and Marino’s Dolphins inevitably emerging from their respective conferences? Or was there more direction to their relationship? Bush and bin Laden were scions of extraordinarily powerful families in the United States and Saudi Arabia, respectively. Bush Sr. had become close friends with the Saudi elite, first as director of the CIA, then as Vice President. One of W.’s close friends, James Bath, was an American money manager for the bin Ladens. They helped fund W.’s early oil business.
While Bush was Texas governor, a Taliban delegation came to the state on business, to plan an oil pipeline. The company building the pipeline was advised by Hamid Karzai, who would later be installed by Bush to head post-Taliban Afghanistan. The Caspian Sea drilling contract was given to Halliburton Oil, run by Dick Cheney. Was it coincidence that this cast of characters would again come together in a historical nexus years later? Was it just coincidence that, on the same day Osama bin Laden’s group hijacked those planes, George Bush Sr. was at the annual Carlyle Group investors meeting with Osama’s half-brother, Shafiq bin Laden? Perhaps Bush had engineered the attacks as a pretext to go to war in the Middle East, with oil reserves in Iraq and a pipeline through Afghanistan as the ultimate prize. Or was there even more to the story?
The History of the World in a Nutshell:
Have you ever suspected a plot connecting all these conspiracy theories and historical events? A common thread to all of history, really. Welcome to the upper levels of Conspiracy Theory. It goes like this:
The world is controlled by a very few families, no more than 13 worldwide. These “Illuminati” are the Rothschilds of England, the Bronfmans of Canada, the Rockefellers and Bushes of the United States, and some European royalty. They control the world through a number of secret societies, especially the Freemason, working towards one world government led by Satan, ruling a michrochipped, gun-less population. The Illuminati achieve this goal by staging world-crises. Bin Laden is, of course, a Freemason. They killed Diana and Kennedy because they were threats.
These few families have been rich and powerful going all the way back to the beginnings of civilization. The rulers of all the ancient civilizations, from the Hebrews to the Egyptians to the Greeks, actually descended from the granddaddy of ancient civilizations, the Sumerians. The Bible is even based on Sumerian legends, except the Sumerians actually lived with their gods. Because their gods were the survivors of Atlantis. Which was built with… the technology they brought from their alien planets. They mated with human women, creating reptilian hybrids who have secretly controlled the world ever since. Which is another reason rich people mate with each other- they need to keep up the alien-reptilian DNA. Which is also why aliens keep kidnapping humans to experiment with reproductive technology. And now you know it all.